Irreverent Coach

Floundering

2009-07-08T14:33:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend today and she said she was floundering. Floundering just sounds like such a bummer. I had visions of a fish out of water flopping around and gasping for air. I had to ask her what she meant by floundering. She said, no direction, all over the place, overwhelmed, not happy. It got me thinking about how we get to a place where we are flopping and gasping.

I have seen this over and over when working with clients. Not everyone calls it floundering but I think the end result is the same. I've come up with three roads that lead us to that point of gasping for air.

1. Too much thinking, too little action
When we have a huge "to do" list, and most of us do, it can be very easy to get overwhelmed by mentally carrying it all with you. We tend to spend more time thinking about our list of things and not actually doing them. What I recommend to my clients is to choose 3 action items per day that they WILL ABSOLUTELY DO. These items should be 3 things that are important for getting you to where you want to go. I'm not saying don't do anything else, but you must at least do these 3 things. When you successfully complete and cross off 3 things from your list each day, it give a huge sense of accomplishment and can give you the energy and excitement to complete even more.

2. Letting yesterday predict today
So you didn't follow through with your list yesterday? Does that mean you can't today? For many people it does. When we get in the pattern of letting ourselves down, we lose trust. We don't trust that we can accomplish what we set out to do. A perceived failure in the past does not have to dictate your future. Write out a list of "evidence" that you can follow through. List all the ways you did follow through and all the successes (no matter how small you think they are) you had in the past week.

3. Keeping it to yourself
How easy is it for you to ask for support? I'm guessing it's not so easy. Support can be anything from actually asking for help on a project to just venting to someone about what is going on. You are doing yourself no favor by internalizing your distress. Believe it or not, you have all your own answers. They are just sometimes covered up in all the crap we carry around with us in our heads. When you vent (not complain) to someone you trust, just hearing your own thoughts out loud can bring clarity. Make sure you vent to someone who can just listen and who isn't going to give you advice or try to "fix" things for you. This is where a good coach can come in handy. :)

If you are feeling like you're a fish flopping around, gasping for air, I encourage you to try my tips. Let me know how it goes.

Send me your specific questions and I'll do my best to respond!
Vicki

Chatting With Monsters

2009-06-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know this might seem a little weird, even for me. I am a big fan of Havi Brooks and she talks to her fear/monsters when she's stuck. Since Havi is the Queen of "destuckification", I thought maybe I would try having a conversation with my monster.

See, my problem lately has been with anger and irritation. I get angry and irritated over the smallest things. That in itself is soooo annoying.

In trying to get to the bottom of this, I had a conversation with my Monster. This is now it went.

Me: Hi Monster. I don't know what I'm supposed to call you.

Monster: You can call me Monster.

Me: Ok, so I have no idea how to have this conversation but I know it needs to happen.

Monster: ...silence...

Me: Anyway, I am wondering what's up with all the anger and irritation. Why do you insist on me responding to everything that way? It's a real bummer.

Monster: ...silence...

Me: Crap. I must be doing this wrong. Ok, I realize you are likely trying to protect me and I'm just wondering if that's true and what you might be protecting me from.

Monster: Duh. I'm protecting you from awareness.

Me: What!? I got an answer! …Long pause, while I think… Why would you protect me from awareness? I’m the Queen of awareness. I love awareness! Why do I need protecting from awareness?

Monster: Awareness opens doors. When doors are open, you walk through them. This makes me uncomfortable. You might get hurt.

Me: Wow. You really are trying to protect me. This is so strange and so cool.
Is there another way that I could be safe and still have awareness?

Monster: Sure. Stop taking so many risks.

Me: I’m not really willing to do that. I realize it makes you really uncomfortable but it’s how I grow. Maybe we can come up with a compromise?

Monster: Hmf.

Me: Can I just point out that I am more aware now that we’ve had this conversation and that nothing bad happened? Can you back off the anger and irritation just a little bit and see what happens?

Monster: Hmf.

Me: Ok. I can see you need a little more time to think this one through. I’m going to sleep now. Um, I guess we’ll talk another time.

Yes, it seems strange to me too. However, I have a bit more clarity and insight about my anger and irritation. This is a good thing. I definitely have more questions for my monster and I intend to have more conversations.

If you talk to your monsters, I would love to hear about it.

Vicki

Patterns aren't only for sewing!

2009-05-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

Patterns come in quite handy when sewing something. No so handy when they are your recurring, icky, patterns that you would rather eliminate.

This week, I ran headlong into an old pattern of mine. I did not realize this was a pattern I was going to have to deal with again. I had recognized this pattern in the past and I thought, for some reason, that I had eliminated it.

In the past, I have not been very good at asking for what I want and need. I’ve made huge strides towards feeling like I deserve to have my needs met. It doesn’t matter if someone else doesn’t understand. I am worth it.

I am so much more willing to make my needs know and ask for what I want. It feels damn good too!

This week I had a disagreement with a good friend that led to me realizing that I am still not making my needs known. What is up with that???

I was so sad and angry when I realized it was still there and STILL causing me problems and pain. Man, that pissed me off!

For the past few days I have been working on finding the purpose; the silver lining in this. I have since realized that I needed reminding that this is lifelong work, not a one-time deal. I fall into that trap again and again.

The minute I think I’ve “got it”, the universe finds a way to remind me that the work is never done. As sad as I am about this situation, I am grateful that I now see where I still need to do more work.

I’m sure there are more of my patterns that are lurking around that I am not even aware of. When they come to my awareness, I will practice eliminating them also.

I think I’ll pull out my dusty sewing machine and make something out of this!

Spinning

2009-04-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

Look at me, I'm spinning
Isn’t it great?

On a wheel called fear
It’s keeping me safe

Safe from any hurt, failure or ill will
Safe from my future and what I may fulfill

I think I’d like to stop now
The spinning, I mean

I’m beginning to think
Instead that I’ll dream

Dream of a future
A dream in bright light

Of what it might look like
If I live my life

In the dream I might laugh
I might cry

I might choose to be me
I may see that I’m beautiful, should I be free

Like sun shining through clouds
I can sometimes see
The true, authentic, wonderful me

Can it be true?
Can it really be?
A me who is happy, strong and carefree?

I choose to be beautiful
I choose to be loving
I choose to make choices that leave my heart humming

For a time fear has gripped me
It left me blind
To the joyous me that was left behind

Blind no more
I can finally see
With blazing clarity, the awesome me!

Irreverent Defined

2009-04-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

ir•rev•er•ent

You might be thinking, "what the heck does irreverent mean?"
Here are some definitions that I feel sum it up:

AllWords.com
Courageous, straightforward, having mass appeal but likely to offend. Challenging the status quo, rocking the boat.

Dictionary.com
Characterized by a lightly pert and exuberant quality.

Merriam-Webster.com
Lacking proper seriousness

Cosmic Smackdown

2009-04-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

Oprah talks about the ways in which messages from the Universe are delivered to us and how we receive them (or don’t). The first time, it is a tap on the shoulder. The second time, it is a brick. The third time the Universe has to deliver the same message, it is a brick wall. I ran into my cosmic brick wall this week in the form of a cold that turned into bronchitis and then pneumonia. I have been laid out for an entire week. NO WORK of any kind. Apparently I do need to be hit over the head with something before I get the message. I am wondering if you need this kind of message also. I really don’t want you to hit your brick wall. It kinda stinks. I can think back now to the “tap on the shoulder” (sleepless nights and stomach trouble) that I so conveniently ignored or denied or whatever. I can also see the “brick” (pretty bad back and neck pain) coming at my head. That still didn’t get the message through. I just kept on going, full speed ahead, oblivious to these messages. I have been asking myself why I needed to hit my brick wall before I understood the message. We get so caught up in the “doing” that we don’t spend any time “being”. If you are constantly focused on the doing, you aren’t really living your life and you certainly aren’t open to any message that might be trying to get through. The message I was missing was that I was simply doing too much. Too much time spent on working the approximately 6 jobs I have. No kidding. I have come so far with handling stress both emotionally and mentally in the past couple of years. I didn’t realize that just because I’m not having a mental breakdown doesn’t mean I (my body) is not stressed. My body has been trying very patiently to tell me that I am carrying too much stress. I am doing too much. I am not taking enough care with myself. As I sit here practically coughing out a lung, I am already feeling grateful that I finally received the message. The question now is; what the heck do I do with the information? This will be the next step in my personal development journey.

I have taken a few steps already. I did not go to work even one day this week. I did not do any work for any of my jobs at home either. I made the decision to take myself out of two classes I was enrolled in. This wasn’t an easy decision because it requires being accountable to myself and not the people/class I committed to. I have made a commitment to myself of working on wellness. The first step was to go see a fabulous Chiropractor who has helped me tremendously with my back already. I’m taking small, baby steps and hoping I’ll figure out the rest as I go. I will not ignore this message now that I have it. I will not go back to over doing it. This probably means letting some other people down in order to be true to myself. Some people are not going to be happy. Some people are going to think I’m weak. I am choosing not to worry about what other people think because that would be letting fear dictate how I live my life. I’m definitely over that chapter in my life!

What is your body telling you that you are ignoring? Are you going to need to hit your cosmic brick wall before you hear it? We only have one body and one life. Every minute of every day we have a choice. We can choose us and our life or we can choose everyone and everything else. Give it some thought. Has there been a tap on your shoulder lately? What about a brick to the head?

Slip Into Something Uncomfortable

2009-04-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

What makes you uncomfortable? Most of us will avoid discomfort and try our best to stay within our comfort zones. What could be bad about that? We all want to be secure and comfy! The problem is; the life you want, the life you are craving, lives outside your comfort zone. Having what you want and being who you want requires that you step outside your comfort zone as frequently as possible. The key is in taking the proverbial "baby steps". It's not about the really big things. It's about those actions that make you uncomfortable but are doable with a little push. What have you been thinking about doing but haven't? Think of something that would be a bit of a stretch for you and then DO IT!! For some people it might be smiling at or talking to strangers. For others, it may be making those follow up phone calls. Taking the baby steps that lead you outside your comfort zone are the key to building self trust and confidence. The more you do it, the more you want to do it. Eventually you will be doing things you never thought possible because they used to scare the pants off you! This is such a wonderful feeling to know that you truly have the power to do anything you want. By the way, writing this is WAY outside my comfort zone. What possibilities are waiting for you out there???

Vulnerability

2009-04-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure when it started; my fear of vulnerability, but I can remember it way back to when I was about 6 years old. I recall one Christmas when I was so excited that I could not go to sleep on Christmas Eve. I was awake for hours. Like most kids that age, I woke up really early on Christmas morning. This is where I stop being the typical kid. I laid in bed for hours. I wanted so badly to get out of bed but I was unwilling to show my excitement. Finally, one of my parents came in to "wake me up" and tried to get me excited to get out of bed. I still wouldn't budge. I acted as if Christmas morning was no big deal and that I was quite bored with the whole thing. When I finally did get up, I went out into the living room, saw all my presents under the tree and sat there as if I wasn't the least bit interested. I begrudgingly opened a couple of gifts, giving either no response or very mild appreciation. At one point I got up, went into my room, closed the door and silently danced up and down and quietly screamed with excitement over the gifts I had received. I then went back to the living room and continued the crazy charade.

What I have since figured out, is that showing emotion; any emotion equaled vulnerability to me. Anger=vulnerability, excitement=vulnerability, sadness=vulnerability. No willingness to be vulnerable=outward stoic, inside miserable. I spent most of my life attempting to control myself and not show emotion of any kind. Because I held it in most of the time, my emotions would sometimes unexpectedly erupt. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and neither could anyone else. I was so sad and unhappy and couldn't figure out why I didn't have the deep, meaningful relationships that I desperately wanted. People didn't relate to me because I was unwilling to show myself or my vulnerability. Everyone thought I had it all together, did things perfectly and never had any problems. People generally liked me (I think!) but it was hard for me to really connect.

Thankfully, through a series of events, I gained the knowledge that I needed to make a huge shift in my life! I have been on a mission for the past 5 years to show my humanity, imperfection and vulnerability. This means showing that I'm ticked off when I am. It means speaking my mind when I think it's important. It means crying in front of people (yuck!) when I need to cry. It means simply showing that I am excited about something.

What freedom this has brought! I am in love with my life today. I am finally making progress towards my goals and dreams and I have so many incredible relationships with people. I am near bursting with gratitude.

Where in your life are you unwilling or unable to show your humanity, imperfection or vulnerability? What is it costing you?

Hire Me

2007-04-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

Here are the options when you are ready to work with me:

Group Fearless Living Coaching:
For 3 to 8 participants
Use the book, "Fearless Living" by Rhonda Britten as a guide
Meet for one hour each week for 6 weeks via telephone
$99/participant

Private Coaching:
Minimum commitment of 3 sessions
Schedule can be flexible and generally starts with one, 1-hour session weekly via telephone
I am currently charging on a sliding scale (kind of like pay what you can, only there is a minimum) and this may change at any time
I offer a 20 minute FREE consult where we talk and figure out if we want to work together

MONEY BACK GUARANTEE - If you complete 3 full sessions with me and truly feel that you got nothing out of it, made no progress whatsoever, I will refund you money, no questions asked.

YOU + COACHING = THE LIFE YOU WANT!

No obligation to contact me and chat about options. Do it now before your fear tells you it’s a bad idea or you don’t have time or you can’t afford it.

About Vicki

2007-04-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

This site is the culmination of many, many years of me working on showing the world who I really am. Not holding back, not hiding, not filtering, not pretending. Just being me! My journey toward authenticity began with Rhonda Britten and The Fearless Living Institute. I am now a Certified Fearless Living Coach and I get to teach others what I have learned about fear and about why I was so terrified to show the world the real me.

So, this is what you're in for if you hang out here:I am sarcastic and I may offend you. I am sometimes funny. I am compassionate. I dislike whining. I love coffee. I am straight forward. I won’t hold back. I will challenge you. I love to help people see how awesome they are. I dislike arrogance. I love silly, slapstick humor. I'm a dork.

I would be honored to have you spend time here with me while I continue to step out of my comfort zone and show the real me. In the process, I hope to help you find your power and the strength you'll need to really show it. You rock and I want to help you own that!

Let’s have some laughs, hopefully learn something and tell fear to take a hike. You'll see all my weaknesses along with my strengths. I hope you'll share yours also. Are you with me?

Vicki

Contact Vicki

2007-04-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

Ph: 408-723-5290
Email: Vicki@coachingforu.com